My sister’s labor was induced Thursday and is still in the process of having a baby girl.  This is the first baby in my family and I am learning that there thing that are better left unsaid, especially to pregnant ladies and especially when they are in labor. This is actually culmination of my experience saying the wrong thing tomany different ”Prego’s” (they really don’t like being called that by the way) so I wanted to share these words of wisdom for those who might not know what not to say to pregnant people. 

Yesterday, I arrived at the hospital and after navigating the labyrinth of the hospital complex I finally found her room.  I got there and Mom and sis #2 where there and sis #3 was laying there with a what looked like a mountain for a belly.  There where monitors and such on her stomach and it looked like Breckenridge was open for the season on her stomach.  I walked in and said, “Hey, Prego,” and got the fire eye that my two sisters and I are famous for.  Lesson number one? Don’t call pregnant ladies “Prego” or huge or refer to a ski resort whe talking about thier figure.  And if you do, quickly throw in how they really didn’t gain weight anywhere else so they will get thier girlish figure back in no time.  Besides, as Sis #3 pointed out, ”Prego” is a cheaply made pasta sauce, not a person and they are big because they are actually two people instead of the previous one person (gross, I know, but don’t point that out either).

I was under the impression that since they were inducing her at 2 p.m. when I got to the hospital, there would be a new baby waiting for me I could give it a stuffed animal and split in time for The Office.  Not so, birthing babies can take a while.  When I learned this I mentioned that Friday night was not good for me since I have tickets to the baseball game but added, what I thought was helpfull, babies are not that cute until a couple of days after they are born.  Lesson here? Don’t try to rush someone else’s labor and delivery process for ball tickets, nor should you imply that a pregnant lady’s baby could be ugly.  They don’t like that and they don’t care.  Sis #3 did empathize a litte.  After saying that her baby will not be ugly, she joked that if the babby was she could just tell everyone it had a great personality.

Sadly, inspiring personal dislike in pregnant women is more of a track record with me that dates back to before sis #3 was pregnant.  On two separate occasions I might have indicated that a woman’s womb-mates shared qualities with aliens.  On one occasion I said that a friend’s sonogram picture looked as though the baby was trying to eat it’s way out, making her former friend #1.  Then I might have told another friend that I didn’t want to feel her baby kick because it reminded me of a Sigourney Weaver movie, making her former friend #2.  Never saw either baby, haven’t talked to them since. 

I thought I would give feeling the baby kick another try last night, after all I will get to meet it after the Cardinals game, right?  Well, I felt it and trust me the massive twist in my face and the slight puke in my mouth was obvious to everyone in the room.  Luckily Prego Sis #3 thought it was funny, but Mom did not.

Another lesson learned, don’t profess your desire to adopt because you think it is all so gross in front of a woman in labor.  They don’t want to know how gross you think the whole thing is becuase they are getting ready to live through it.  No nasty talk at all.  If you choose to dine with the mother to be here is a final word of caution.  Don’t mention that they are eating mashed potatoes in the same room their child will be born in shortly.  And don’t joke about their baby being born covered in mashed potatoes, especially if it is the first time they have eaten in a number of hours.  It makes their stomach turn and makes them wonder about the sterility of the room.